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Yesterday I mentioned that I’ll never ‘get over’ losing Jessica and Erika. I don’t mean that I will never be able to function as a normal person again, that I’ll be constantly depressed – nothing like that. I also don’t mean that I will never be able to forgive people, will continue to blame them or want to get revenge. Actually, I think that I’m doing pretty good with the whole situation. Sure, I’m not where I should be in all that yet, but I’ve come a long way. Things will never be the same between me and those that were involved in the situation. I’m not saying they’ll be worse or better – just not the same. There have been stories told about me that are not true, but have been told over and over for 11 months that I’m sure people believe them with no questions asked. People likely believe that I am actually like what is being said about me – this I know as I have heard it come out of their mouths. I really don’t care what those people think of me. I don’t get my self-worth from them.

What really hurts me is that I listened to the people telling me to not be involved in Jessica and Erika’s lives. In the short time that they were with us, against my better judgement and knowing what God’s will for us was – I did the best I could to be the worst father I could be. If I would have known they’d only be with us just over a month, I would have been the father to them that I know that I was supposed to be. Sure, loving an adopted child does not solve all the problems you’ll face with them. That’s one of the extreme viewpoints that some people have. The all the problems are solved if you have enough love. The other extreme viewpoint is that it’s OK if you don’t love them. All you have to do is keep them safe and provide for their needs. Both of those extremes are not correct. You need to do ALL of it. Adopting children takes everything you can give to them. If you have love, give it and give it abundantly. If you don’t have love for them, work on getting it ASAP so you can give it. I’ve heard that love is a choice. I’m not 100% sure about that, but God does tell us in the Bible that we are to love our enemies. So, even if our adopted child is an enemy, we are to love them. Also, don’t neglect to fulfill the needed physical, mental and spiritual requirements. Adopting children can be and usually is hard. You don’t just give up because you’re selfish, hurt, it’s not what you thought it would be, or you’re just tired of it all.

But for me, what hurts even worse than not being the father I knew I should be is giving in and getting talked out of being in God’s will. The other people involved in giving us ‘advice’ may have meant well, but I should have stuck fast to what I believe was God’s will for our family. As the man and leader of the family (but that’s another troublesome subject about which  I could talk your ears off), I  believe that we were led by God to adopt Jessica and Erika. I did not fail Jessica and Erika, I failed with God. Some would say that it must not have been God’s will because it didn’t happen. God’s will always comes to pass. Well, I do believe that God’s will always comes to pass, but I also believe that it’s much more incomprensible for our human minds to understand what that means. The Bible tells us that it is God’s will for all to be saved, yet not all are saved. Jesus died for all men, not some men. It also says that God chose us before the foundation of the earth (the same time He gave us Jessica and Erika to adopt) but how does that correlate with Him not wanting any to perish? See, we can’t comprehend everything about God. Was it God’s will for us to adopt Jessica and Erika? I believe that it was, but WE failed. God did not and can not fail. We can choose to obey or not obey God.

Another part of what I mean when I say that I’ll never ‘get over’ losing Jessica and Erika is similar to when children are abducted. This may sound gruesome, but if a child is taken and ends up dead, there can be some finality to that. You know what the outcome is and people in those situations can often cope with that better than a child being taken and never hearing from them – unsure of their condition or where they are. I’m in the second situation. I have no idea where the girls are, if they are OK, if they are in foster care or are adopted already. Brenda thinks she knows but has not told me other than to say they are in a different state and adopted, but I can not take her word for it. She may not really know and I do not trust that she would tell me the truth, either. I can’t ask because I’ll look like a weirdo, stalker or like I’m trying to hang on to them. I would like to know for 2 reasons. First and foremost, I love them and care about them and want to know that they are OK. Secondly, if I knew their current situation, it may help me heal faster and better. I would not be wondering about them. I do want to hang on to them in a positive, healthy way. Pretending it never happened and being in denial is something that I can’t and will not do. I want to keep the good memories alive and talk about them when they come up – not having to watch what I say and making sure I don’t ‘offend’ anyone. Part of me being able to move on past all this, is being able to live like a normal person would…remembering the past, not having to hide it. I would give up everything I own to get my entire family back….all 6 of us (not including the animals)

I could keep going on for pages and pages (I’m already at 1055 words for today), but will end this part of today’s blog to say that I am a sinner in need of a Savior and thank God that He sent Jesus into the world to live a sinless life and that His sacrifice qualifies as the payment for my sin.