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December 20, 2008 was one of the top 5 best days in my life. That was the day our 13 and 9 year old adopted daughters were ’born’ into our family (that was just the ‘physical’ date – in reality, it happened at the beginning of time since God knew that it would happen when He created the world). I was just as proud of a father when we brought home Jessica and Erika that day, as the days that Holly and Mitch were born. I’m sorry if that causes conflict in our family, but it is the truth. It is clear that God orchestrated the events from the beginning of our adoption plans right up to that wonderful day. It’s not just the date and the events that happened on that single day last December that made it so special, it’s knowing that it was in God’s plan all along from the beginning of time. All of the things we went through to get the girls, the paperwork, time waiting, roadblocks, hurdles over the roadblocks – everything that happened in those 2 1/2 years made that day special, too. It was a huge victory for us. God gave us those two girls to be their parents. What happened in Jessica and Erika’s life up that point when God gave them to us – regardless of what those events were, who they lived with and where they lived were not important. From that day on, we were responsible for Jessica and Erika, until our last breath was taken. That’s how I viewed it. I believe that God gave us that responsibility. What we did with that responsibility was up to us. We failed.

I went back and looked at my blog entries over the last few years to refresh my memory of what happened. What I wrote didn’t include every detail that happened before or after we brought Jessica and Erika home. Some things aren’t fit to print. But, I still do not believe I was wrong in what I believed God’s will was for us. My goal was for us to become one integrated family as soon as possible. I was told by a couple people that they thought I ‘idolized’ Jessica and Erika or adoption in general. I was told I gave too much attention to the girls. I was told to do things that I know were not Biblical, not God’s will, and not the right way to go about having a successful adoption. I was told to back off – to have very little or no interaction with the girls. I believe we were given bad advice based on false assumptions, over-reactions and things that were not true. I was told that I had to choose between Brenda or Jessica and Erika. I knew there was a third option – that we all stay together as a single family and deal with it. I do not accept the notion that I had to choose, that was not valid because that would be rejecting God. We were a new and improved family. We were the new family that God created as He planned for us when time began. I didn’t want us to live as separate families, nor did I believe that it would be right to do so. I did not love anyone less because I also loved Jessica and Erika as daughters. I did not love Jessica or Erika more than anyone else, either. Our old family did not exist anymore. This was not a try-it-and-see what happens thing. It also was not likely going to be an easy thing to see through. I did not want to give up. I was told that because God created marriage before children that Brenda should be more important than Jessica and Erika. I can see where you can come to that conclusion. But tell me what is more important: being in God’s will or out of it? Is anything more important than being in God’s will?

I know that I did not do everything correct. Things should not have gotten to the point they did, but I don’t believe that is any reason to disregard what God put together and the responsibility and blessing that He gave to us. Both Brenda and I saw how other families we know who adopted handled things and made decisions…some things they did, we agreed with and some we didn’t. We talked about those situations and how we would handle them – and were in agreement before we picked up Jessica and Erika. When the time finally arrived for us to face those ‘obstacles’, things were different. I did not understand how we could go from what seemed to be excited and on the same page as a family to the point of not being able to rationally discuss things and to become willing to give up so easily. How could those same people who thought I was overboard (which I disagree with, I believe that God’s will for us was to adopt Jessica and Erika and be as one new family – that’s not overboard, that should be the goal of every adoption) think that giving them away like kittens would not also have implications and that we could not just go back to the same family as before. Someone was going to lose either way, and it was me. I lost what God gave us, I lost two daughters and along with that I lost my prior family because I lost Jessica and Erika. I know that’s hard to follow, but I know that it’s exactly the way it is – it makes perfect sense.

What’s done is done. There is no going back and fixing things with our adoption fiasco. We’ll likely never be approved to adopt in the future, even if we wanted to. I really don’t want to adopt again. I would only be willing to adopt if we were able to get our daughters back – which won’t happen. Additionally, we can’t talk about what happened, which I suppose isn’t so bad when looking toward reconciling things in the future…but it’s something that I’ll have to deal with on my own. I can’t talk about them or have pictures of them out. I can only keep it inside. Today and tomorrow will be hard days for me, though they represent one of the 5 happiest days in my life. Christmas time for me will likely be a hard time from now on. Some may look at this and think I’m not over losing Jessica and Erika. I will never be ‘over’ losing them. I’ll explain in the continuation of this blog entry tomorrow.